Gretel's Space

 The solitude here became more and more unbearable for me recently, which at first was diligently sought after on purpose by me last year-end.   A number of mistakes were committed in the course of teaching at the last school, which was revealed to me these days after an unusual talk on the phone with a junior former colleague at interning school.   She has made such a huge progress since then, and made herself through all toils to become a qualified and permanent teacher at a public school downtown.   Now a new goal is right before her again these days of this year, graduate school!   Even I would and should feel face flushed standing in front of her in person.  What have I done since we met several times in Changhwa city?  Have I gained any in wisdom, maturity, confidence, professional knowledge and skills since then?  Did I make less mistakes?  Did I become more true and audacious to be myself?  Did I become a better learner and a healthier and more sound person?  Did I even realize how much I possess in my congenital ability, or how far/ much I can achieve in reality?  Did I have a good understanding of me myself?  While answers to the above questions don’t seem to be all positive, another one occurs to me as well: am I defeated by my inner alter self, by being not able to get along well with specific persons, by giving up certain rare valuable opportunities and by blemishing my own reputation and by concerning far very much about other people’s feelings and judgment on me?  Goodness!  My seniority cannot afford spendthrift and carelessness of my own.  Should have been more wary and meticulous on each decision.  How can I turn it right?  Can I really be dependent on myself, on different mortal persons or on the invisible Almighty?